Top 5 Foods That Help You Poop

5.) Chia Seeds--empty a fuck ton of these in your water (preferably alkaline) (preferably over 1.5 liters) and let that shit sit there for about half an hour (or 1 hour) and drink it fast like *tsssssss*
OR sprinkle it on a food of your choice..OR grind finely and sniff accordingly.

4.) POPcorn--I'm actually not sure how this works but I remember getting the worst stomach ache one time when I was watching Sweet Home Alabama at the Century City (rip old century city)AMC Movie Theater, (I was about 7 years old) and I realized Al Gore was sitting in front of me. The whole time I kept thinking please don't fart Millie what if Al smells it, you'll have no chance of ever holding public office!! After this I never ate popcorn until my beautiful friend reminded me that it helps you go to the bathroom.. (of course I had mentally blocked this information since I had a fear of bowel movements as a child)

3.) FLAXSEEDS OR ANYTHING WITH FLAX IN IT-- I cannot stress enough how much flax seeds have changed my life..I will pretty much dump that shit on everything. Usually people know that you're using it for pooping purposes and when people see me abusing it they give me dirty looks but I don't care anymore. I've gotten to the point in my life where I think I'm hot enough to talk about poop. I thought it was the most vile thing growing up (to the point where I was ashamed to let it out) but really the only vile thing is people who don't talk about it because we all know your poop probably just looks unhealthy-sorry!

2.) KALE or anything dark, green, and bitter. A wise prophet once told me to eat a pound, poop a pound. Your poop is what you eat. Kale is packed with fiber and is amazing for your skin. If you didn't figure pooping is literally the act of your body ridding of toxins and guess what that also clears your skin..

1.) BEETS. "Do you think you're betterave alone?" -Alice Beetjay. Holy fucking shit. I don't even know where to begin. You know what, I don't know why beets fuck your shit up so much, but they do. Also I used to hate beets when I was younger and my rule is if I used to hate it, it probably makes you poop. Beets by far beat (so sorry unintentional pun) everything on this list but I'm not sure in a good way..If you wan't to be normal, eat a lot of bitter greens everyday and your bowel movements will be regular. However if you want your shit to be fucked up and you have time to hang out by the toilet (not on the toilet--beware hemorrhoid, etc) eat 1 serving of beets (preferably cooked--although juice works for some people) and let the magic begin.
p.s. if you see red or purple don't go on web m.d. or take shitpics (unless you're into that) our bodies cannot process the color of beets so it literally goes out just as it came in.