Monday, December 19, 2016

Anderson Cooper's previous Grindr matches who are now CNN Anchors

Derek van Dam











Anderson and Derek matched online a couple of months ago. They were each delighted to finally meet someone who didn't just want to go to The Spotted Pig and chow down burgers. Anderson and Derek had a mutual understanding of what they wanted out of their relationship, foreplay at a stuffy bar followed by corporate sex. They opted for The Boom Boom Room at the Standard in the West Village to try something new. A combination of the Robin Thicke song on blast with their hard martinis made them check out a suite--they had a blast. Every once in a while they'll run into each other at work and Derek will give Anderson a friendly tap on the ass which makes Andy blush. One time Derek convinced Anderson to give him head in the electrical closet. They couldn't be more satisfied with their professional sex situation.

Victor Blackwell




















Victor was one of Anderson's matches in the early days of Grindr, back when it was clean. They met up for dinner on a rainy night in NYC; Anderson made the compromise to meet at Victor's favorite Moroccan spot in Williamsburg, Cafe Mogador. As Anderson stepped out of his black car Victor knew that he and the Vanderbilts were worlds apart. During dinner, the tagine special Victor ordered finally broke down the ice cold stare in Anderson's eyes. Victor warmed up to him and they spoke about their mutual passion to end world hunger. As Victor went on about his days as a volunteer in Rwanda, Anderson knew he was too special to be just a fuck buddy. The next day he set up an interview at CNN for Victor.

Carl Azuz



















Well, Carl is the ultimate scum of Grindr. For starters, he used a picture of himself from the tender age of 23 (which of course is a soft spot for Anderson) and he has genital herpes. This facade led Anderson to take the alleged young man for a treat at the newly opened Polo Bar, but alas...not only did Carl look well into his 40s, he looked fucking broke and utterly humiliated Anderson at The Polo Bar. Ever since then Anderson has lost his reserved table there and all credibility in the eyes of Mr. Lauren. After dinner Carl pushed himself on to Anderson while he still had bacon fat stuck in his teeth from the humble BLT sandwich on the menu that no one is actually supposed to order. Luckily, the uber X Anderson ordered for Carl (what a gentleman!) came right on time and he never contracted herpes. The next morning Anderson noticed his wallet was missing and the next month Carl coincidentally landed a job at CNN (ironically as the host for CNN Student News --perv..).

Chris Cuomo











Anderson and Chris met just as Anderson was losing hope in the world of Grindr. On paper they were perfect for each other; they shopped at the same farmers market, preferred Donna Karan bedding over Calvin Klein, and are mutually conflicted about their memberships at David Barton Gym and Equinox...They messaged back and forth for a month and a half about everything from their troubled childhood to their work goals and aspirations for having a family one day. Anderson had been traveling for a CNN special on the Syrian Refugee Crisis which prolonged their meeting and ultimately made things even more special. Two months later, Chris reserved a table for two at Jean-Gorges (they have since boycotted this location, as it is located in Trump Tower, ABC Kitchen will do for now). Anderson got off work early and was so antsy he decided to walk the one block from his work to the restaurant just this once. By the time he got there Chris was just ordering a glass of viognier at the bar, they caught eyes--it was at this moment they realized, while they were both decent power bottoms, they were mere bottoms at the end of the day. They were so excited about all they had in common that they never talked about sex; because for bottoms like themselves, discussing the thread count of their sheets is the equivalent of sext-foreplay. Upon this realization, Anderson lagged and turned the dinner into just drinks at the bar. A few weeks later, Anderson messaged Chris that he missed him--they became brunch partners since.

Jim Acosta



















Okay, I know what you're thinking, there's no way Jim Acosta is gay and there's no way he is on Grindr. The latter is true, however the former...Technically Jim and Anderson met in the pre-Grindr era. It was Anderson's last year at Dalton and Jim was visiting his Cuban relatives who reside in Jersey; his cousin however was on scholarship at Dalton. On a late July night Jim's cousin took him to a Dalton party where he and Anderson met. Anderson hadn't come out of the closet but butt play was second nature at Dalton and Jim was horny (although 14, he had quite the amount of testosterone). Anderson fed Jim just two beers and the job was done. Their "bathroom" encounter was brief but taught Jim a very important lesson for years to come about his prostate.

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