Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I was raped by my iPhone

One fuzzy thursday night after a spontaneous trip to the wine bar with my gal pals, I arrived at my apartment clutch in hand, phone in pocket. I normally stick with sauvignon blanc but that particular thursday swayed me to a pinot noir. The pinot didn't sit well with me, but my phone did.

I collapsed on my bed and it was cloudy after that. I had set my alarm earlier that day for my friday morning meeting at 8:30 am, however I never got out of my jumper when I got home that night which had a convenient pocket placed very near my crotch.

I was violated not once but several, many times in the morning. My iPhone had began stimulating my feminine parts when I was totally unconscious. I missed my meeting and was laid off my job when I explained I had been raped by Apple's products. Dad is taking over my lease for now as I spread my message for women in tech. Misogyny has been overruling the tech industry for too long from CEO's to mobile devices. Enough is enough. Now is the time to speak up. #banapple #baniPhone

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

a hedgehog by nature, but a fox by conviction

sucked into another vacuum-this dust a little more negotiable than the dust buster before.
but don't let that stop you, that's right let it.
after all it is a lot easier for the filter to fall out of the dust buster (escape!) and then you decide it's time for a real vacuum.
that'll suck everything in-much more reliable, substantial, and we've got plenty of characters: dust, thread, crumbs, a penny, and some other microscopic objects.
in the dust buster the dust only flirted with the dust. in the vacuum the dust attaches on to a loose thread and assumes the role of the other loose threads. The clean thread doesn't see the dust on the impostor thread until a copper circle comes around. the vacuum sucking in and blowing out a tornado that throws the copper into an orbit so perfectly circular around the two threads revealing its true form by its choice of movement. the penny's iron fragrance is now the sole source of wind, only letting the inanimate crumbs survive, who laugh at the two loose threads from their balcony seats. The thread who was once just a thread is now playing with the dusty penny and the dusty thread. Once the vacuum stops sucking and the tornado's orbit pauses, the three fall down. and it is during this brief intermission that the once clean thread realizes she is now fully engulfed in the dust.

Monday, January 30, 2017

overheard things today

what have you been up to?
"work vibes"

we're from the church of scientology
"oh that's chill. I'm also into spirituality."

that field must be so interesting.
"yeah it's crazy......there's like so much to it.....but like so little too. I used to work for Tai Lopez."

I could keep going, but I won't.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Anderson Cooper's previous Grindr matches who are now CNN Anchors

Derek van Dam

Anderson and Derek matched online a couple of months ago. They were each delighted to finally meet someone who didn't just want to go to The Spotted Pig and chow down burgers. Anderson and Derek had a mutual understanding of what they wanted out of their relationship, foreplay at a stuffy bar followed by corporate sex. They opted for The Boom Boom Room at the Standard in the West Village to try something new. A combination of the Robin Thicke song on blast with their hard martinis made them check out a suite--they had a blast. Every once in a while they'll run into each other at work and Derek will give Anderson a friendly tap on the ass which makes Andy blush. One time Derek convinced Anderson to give him head in the electrical closet. They couldn't be more satisfied with their professional sex situation.

Victor Blackwell

Victor was one of Anderson's matches in the early days of Grindr, back when it was clean. They met up for dinner on a rainy night in NYC; Anderson made the compromise to meet at Victor's favorite Moroccan spot in Williamsburg, Cafe Mogador. As Anderson stepped out of his black car Victor knew that he and the Vanderbilts were worlds apart. During dinner, the tagine special Victor ordered finally broke down the ice cold stare in Anderson's eyes. Victor warmed up to him and they spoke about their mutual passion to end world hunger. As Victor went on about his days as a volunteer in Rwanda, Anderson knew he was too special to be just a fuck buddy. The next day he set up an interview at CNN for Victor.

Carl Azuz

Well, Carl is the ultimate scum of Grindr. For starters, he used a picture of himself from the tender age of 23 (which of course is a soft spot for Anderson) and he has genital herpes. This facade led Anderson to take the alleged young man for a treat at the newly opened Polo Bar, but alas...not only did Carl look well into his 40s, he looked fucking broke and utterly humiliated Anderson at The Polo Bar. Ever since then Anderson has lost his reserved table there and all credibility in the eyes of Mr. Lauren. After dinner Carl pushed himself on to Anderson while he still had bacon fat stuck in his teeth from the humble BLT sandwich on the menu that no one is actually supposed to order. Luckily, the uber X Anderson ordered for Carl (what a gentleman!) came right on time and he never contracted herpes. The next morning Anderson noticed his wallet was missing and the next month Carl coincidentally landed a job at CNN (ironically as the host for CNN Student News --perv..).

Chris Cuomo

Anderson and Chris met just as Anderson was losing hope in the world of Grindr. On paper they were perfect for each other; they shopped at the same farmers market, preferred Donna Karan bedding over Calvin Klein, and are mutually conflicted about their memberships at David Barton Gym and Equinox...They messaged back and forth for a month and a half about everything from their troubled childhood to their work goals and aspirations for having a family one day. Anderson had been traveling for a CNN special on the Syrian Refugee Crisis which prolonged their meeting and ultimately made things even more special. Two months later, Chris reserved a table for two at Jean-Gorges (they have since boycotted this location, as it is located in Trump Tower, ABC Kitchen will do for now). Anderson got off work early and was so antsy he decided to walk the one block from his work to the restaurant just this once. By the time he got there Chris was just ordering a glass of viognier at the bar, they caught eyes--it was at this moment they realized, while they were both decent power bottoms, they were mere bottoms at the end of the day. They were so excited about all they had in common that they never talked about sex; because for bottoms like themselves, discussing the thread count of their sheets is the equivalent of sext-foreplay. Upon this realization, Anderson lagged and turned the dinner into just drinks at the bar. A few weeks later, Anderson messaged Chris that he missed him--they became brunch partners since.

Jim Acosta

Okay, I know what you're thinking, there's no way Jim Acosta is gay and there's no way he is on Grindr. The latter is true, however the former...Technically Jim and Anderson met in the pre-Grindr era. It was Anderson's last year at Dalton and Jim was visiting his Cuban relatives who reside in Jersey; his cousin however was on scholarship at Dalton. On a late July night Jim's cousin took him to a Dalton party where he and Anderson met. Anderson hadn't come out of the closet but butt play was second nature at Dalton and Jim was horny (although 14, he had quite the amount of testosterone). Anderson fed Jim just two beers and the job was done. Their "bathroom" encounter was brief but taught Jim a very important lesson for years to come about his prostate.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

you don't see? I've succumbed to the mold between the walls of wallace 
got a hold of drywall but not the plaster— smooshed with newspaper at best oh —asbestos
I flip the page but you were on the cover I've waited for age but that's the bother— I hide in the wall constructed of last years paper— not of wood not cement— too weak to be a splinter caught in your foot—mold is too courtly of a death

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Top 5 Foods That Help You Poop

5.) Chia Seeds--empty a fuck ton of these in your water (preferably alkaline) (preferably over 1.5 liters) and let that shit sit there for about half an hour (or 1 hour) and drink it fast like *tsssssss*
OR sprinkle it on a food of your choice..OR grind finely and sniff accordingly.

4.) POPcorn--I'm actually not sure how this works but I remember getting the worst stomach ache one time when I was watching Sweet Home Alabama at the Century City (rip old century city)AMC Movie Theater, (I was about 7 years old) and I realized Al Gore was sitting in front of me. The whole time I kept thinking please don't fart Millie what if Al smells it, you'll have no chance of ever holding public office!! After this I never ate popcorn until my beautiful friend reminded me that it helps you go to the bathroom.. (of course I had mentally blocked this information since I had a fear of bowel movements as a child)

3.) FLAXSEEDS OR ANYTHING WITH FLAX IN IT-- I cannot stress enough how much flax seeds have changed my life..I will pretty much dump that shit on everything. Usually people know that you're using it for pooping purposes and when people see me abusing it they give me dirty looks but I don't care anymore. I've gotten to the point in my life where I think I'm hot enough to talk about poop. I thought it was the most vile thing growing up (to the point where I was ashamed to let it out) but really the only vile thing is people who don't talk about it because we all know your poop probably just looks unhealthy-sorry!

2.) KALE or anything dark, green, and bitter. A wise prophet once told me to eat a pound, poop a pound. Your poop is what you eat. Kale is packed with fiber and is amazing for your skin. If you didn't figure pooping is literally the act of your body ridding of toxins and guess what that also clears your skin..

1.) BEETS. "Do you think you're betterave alone?" -Alice Beetjay. Holy fucking shit. I don't even know where to begin. You know what, I don't know why beets fuck your shit up so much, but they do. Also I used to hate beets when I was younger and my rule is if I used to hate it, it probably makes you poop. Beets by far beat (so sorry unintentional pun) everything on this list but I'm not sure in a good way..If you wan't to be normal, eat a lot of bitter greens everyday and your bowel movements will be regular. However if you want your shit to be fucked up and you have time to hang out by the toilet (not on the toilet--beware hemorrhoid, etc) eat 1 serving of beets (preferably cooked--although juice works for some people) and let the magic begin.
p.s. if you see red or purple don't go on web m.d. or take shitpics (unless you're into that) our bodies cannot process the color of beets so it literally goes out just as it came in.